The day I understood the definition of Love, I saw wicked people all around me.

I said, “Dev, I smoke weed.  He looked confused. 

I said, “I smoke ganja.”

 That moment! it changed my life.

Now, I had the perfect life every middle-class man dreamed of. We started a homestay on loan, grew our own rice, had a house surrounded by plantation, and numerous pets. Life started to look different. 

 I woke up at 6:30, workout, deliver milk to the dairy, meditate, have breakfast, spend a few hours on the farm and then go meet friends. Weekends were busy with guests. Probably in a few years, I might get married, have kids, and take them to school. Maybe get a bigger car and house.

 I wasn't happy. I'm not saying that's not life. But, maybe not for me right now, not for someone who felt being tied up all his life. Not for someone who wanted to see the world, put himself to the extreme, and live to the fullest. 

Selfish love can be poison and That’s my family. The day I understood the definition of Love, I saw wicked people all around me. My wicked grandmother and greedy mother kept me tangled for their selfish desires. They were not ready to risk their comfort, for they do not believe in their own blood. The idea of status and looking better in society still blinds them. For me, to love someone is to give them the freedom and support to do what they loved and not forcing a life onto them without giving them a chance to explore. 

It was a very lonely childhood, I wasn't allowed to mingle with kids in the village. I loved to play but hardly got the chance. I used to be that boy who took a bat, ball and football to school but didn't know how to play. The school was 15 km away, 2 buses to board and a lot of time went in travelling. When I returned, I was only allowed to take my bicycle and ride inside the farm when kids my age played in the ground. And the schedule of studying for 3 hours every day, it didn't matter what I did, but was locked with the book. My school education was fine; I was not a first-rank holder but was good at studying the easier portions just to clear exams.

My family said, “Study till 10th and then we will not hold you.” So I cleared 10th.

And then they said, “12th is important, then you can live however you want.”

 I had no clue about the difference between science and commerce. They said science and pushed me again. I passed with just enough marks in Chemistry and Mathematics. And I was later blamed for not scoring a distinction.

I wanted to get into the Merchant Navy and some idiot told my family that life wasn't good at sea. So I was denied. Man, I would have loved that life, at least away from people. I swear I don't want to live in a world full of humans.

Graduation. 

“Everyone in the family is an engineer, you must study computers only”.

I had gotten some sense by then and I tried to refuse, but no, they were already pissed at the marks I got in 12th and I had no choice. Since seats were full for BCA, I was forced into B.Sc in Mathematics, Electronics and Computers even when I had a letter in hand from Ramaiah College to join Hotel Management. What a disaster! All my life I barely managed to pass Maths and Science, mostly studying only the easy topics and now I was doing graduation in subjects that gave me nightmares, I was done! 

I started becoming just a guest at college. The room I rented became a chill-out place for my friends. We simply hanged out sometimes or sat in the room watching movies or series, cooking noodles and omelettes. Slowly get-togethers started happening. In the first semester, I failed in Maths and Electronics. By the second semester, I had realized my mistake and didn't want to fail again. I skipped the exams.

Again family was mad, “All are engineers and you can't even complete a B.Sc?”

Bhai, woh simple nahi tha. The thought of going deeper into Mathematics, Electronics and Computer Programming made me reluctant to even try. 

My friend, poor thing completed his 3-year degree along with me, when I quit in between and instead went on to complete my Masters in Tourism for 5 years.  A neat man, he didn't smoke or drink he simply visited, mostly stayed silent a few conversions here and there before he left. He walked everywhere or went on his bicycle. Now, Who cares now about his lost years? It's easy to tag a man as a failure and treat him as a low-life, just because he would not bring a steady income of lakhs. 

Our Indian families are so wicked sometimes, I wonder why they even gave birth?  Man, we come from animals and not computers. I don't see an animal holding onto its kids to take care of them in old age, they simply train and let them live for themselves. Some time ago I watched a video of sadguru; He said “if you’re happy being a beggar, be one! It’s your happiness. When you do things for the happiness of others, they will stay happy but not you. Most of us have given up and when someone like me tries to fight, we are branded and kept aside.

 Just before I shifted my course, Marijuana came into my life, and then on, we were friends. It helped me keep my dreams at bay, making it the only affordable lifestyle. Later in college, almost everyone smoked, probably 10 out of about 25 boys stayed sober. 

Life was at its best. I stayed within my limits and luckily had the company of fine people. Some drank, some smoked, some both. Meanwhile, I had made some good friends from a call centre where I used to work during semester holidays to manage my expenses.  There were three to four different groups and parties that happened at least once a week. I kept my room neat, unlike many bachelor's rooms. I knew how to live. All the people who gathered there were also knowledgeable and neat men. All we could afford was some booze, food and good company and not pubs and discos.

I hardly went to college in those 5 years. I still remember writing apology letters for most semesters due to lack of attendance, to allow me to write my exams. Mostly, I used to be the first one coming out of the exam hall.  I wrote what I knew, made sure I had the marks to pass and walked out. I have even got out in just 40 minutes for a 3-hour paper. In the beginning, my teachers went bonkers, some asked “Will you even pass?”

I only checked with Akshay who sat behind me during the exams, discussed the answers if we needed to and that was it. I came out, smoked a cigarette, rode home, smoked another and turned on the laptop to play some music. Then, someone calls to check if I was around the college. 

Disaster struck when I topped the boys for Bangalore University. My lecturer, Anuja Mam, a sweet lady, having seen me for 5 years, wouldn't have expected she'd have to make that phone call to me, of all people! No one could believe it. I didn't have a grand total just that I cleared without any backlogs. But I did it in style. 

Family comes back! 

“Final year, you better have an offer letter before leaving the course.”

 I told this to Abhinandan over a drink on a Friday and bugger said “Join on Monday!”

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Thankful to them all, Thankful to the One! Much metta